S2 · Ep 14: Constantly Overwhelmed? Understanding Emotional Capacity And Stress | The MindSpa Podcast

Feeling overwhelmed lately? You are not alone.

In this episode of The MindSpa Podcast, Tina Wilston and Michelle Massunken explore why so many people are feeling emotionally stretched thin and asking themselves: “What’s wrong with me?” Together, they offer a different perspective: maybe nothing is wrong with you. Maybe your emotional capacity has been carrying too much for too long.

Tina and Michelle unpack the idea of a “stress bucket” and how overwhelm is often the result of accumulated pressure rather than one single event. They explore how the nervous system responds to prolonged stress, why willpower is not enough to offset emotional overload, and the early signs that capacity may be running low, including irritability, poor sleep, doomscrolling, low tolerance, and difficulty focusing.

They also discuss practical ways to reduce overwhelm, from setting boundaries and saying no to slowing down and rethinking unrealistic expectations around productivity and work-life balance. The conversation highlights how overwhelm can sometimes be connected to deeper beliefs, like feeling “not enough,” and when it may be helpful to seek professional support.

What You’ll Hear In This Episode

• Why overwhelm may be a sign of chronic stress, not personal failure
 • How emotional capacity impacts mood, focus, and relationships
 • Signs your “stress bucket” may already be overflowing
 • Practical ways to reduce emotional overload
 • When therapy or additional support may help

If overwhelm has been feeling constant lately, this episode offers a grounded, compassionate conversation about stress, emotional resilience, and coping in a demanding world.

The MindSpa Podcast

Thoughtful conversations about mental health, relationships, identity, healing, grounded in clinical expertise and steady human insight.

Hosts

Tina Wilston, M.Ed., Registered Psychotherapist 

Co-Owner, MindSpa Mental Health Centre

LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook

Michelle Massunken, MSW, RSW

Co-Owner, MindSpa Mental Health Centre

LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook

MindSpa Mental Health Centre

Ottawa - Kanata & Gloucester

themindspa.ca

LinkedIn, instagram

Listen on

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music | YouTube

Transcript

Why Overwhelm Feels So Common

Tina Wilston 0:00

Welcome back to today's episode of The Mind Spa Podcast. Today, we are talking about overwhelm and emotional capacity. So the topic that we really want to dive into is basically how a lot of people are expressing constant feelings of overwhelm these days. And I think it's an important topic to talk about because how frequently, at least from my perspective, when people are telling me they they feel like there's something wrong with them, right? That they're feeling overwhelmed. But my experience, because I'm talking to everybody saying the same thing, I'm like, it it's almost feeling normal at this point. That's not that it's actually not a sign necessarily that you're not coping well. It's potentially more of a sign that the environment is overwhelming everybody.

Michelle Massunken 0:47

Yeah. I think that's what we're seeing a lot of this the capacity that we're having, where it's decreasing and we're finding that what we perhaps were able to tolerate at some point in time is starting to feel a lot heavier than it was, than it is currently. Um, and I think it's an important piece to keep in mind when it comes to how we function, right? And I I see this all the time in my clients where you're noticing that it's not so much this moment, right? They might say that I'm more irritable or I find that I'm snapping more at my spouse or my kids. And it's not so much this moment of your wife saying something or your spouse saying something, but really it's like the accumulation of moments that is causing you to have this reaction. It's that overload that's causing you to have a reaction. I think when we don't realize that there is an accumulation that's happening before it's building up. And we without addressing that buildup, we have moments where we we break down from the overload.

The Stress Bucket And The Nervous System

Tina Wilston 1:45

Yeah, absolutely. I always thought the way I always think of it and I always talk about it is that we have one stress bucket. We don't have a work stress bucket, a family life stress bucket. We just have one.

Speaker 2 1:57

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 1:58

And overwhelm is the moment that bucket overflows. And we have a tendency as humans to that recency effect to always blame the most recent thing that happened as to why I'm feeling overwhelmed. And that's when I start to say there's something wrong with me because I just blew up at my partner because he didn't put the recycling out the way I wanted him to, or something like that. Like, why am I feeling so bothered by that, so upset by it? Yeah. It's like you're not, you're feeling upset about all the things that are going into this stress bucket. And that was just the moment you realize it was overflowing.

Michelle Massunken 2:36

Yeah. And that stress bucket, I like that analogy because it really, that's really how our nervous system functions. Yeah. The nervous system doesn't really care how strong we are or how determined we are, it's gonna respond to the load.

Speaker 2 2:46

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 2:47

And if the load is heavy on our nervous system, you're going to see the results of that as well. Yeah. You know, we can have as much willpower as we want. We can be as determined as we want to be. But if the load is heavy and it's heavy for a prolonged period of time, you're we're gonna feel that.

Tina Wilston 3:03

Yeah, that's actually a good addition to it, which is it's not just how much you're carrying it, but it's how long you're carrying it for.

Speaker 3 3:11

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 3:11

Cause one of the ways I thought I would talk about it often through COVID was COVID's keeping everybody's bucket a certain percentage full at all times now. Right. And so if we kind of we can easily forget about those longer term type things like COVID. Yeah. Uh let me think of other ones. Just I I would say the economy is probably another one right now that is just kind of sitting there in your stress bucket, permanently, not permanently there, maybe ebbing and flowing, but it's kind of like it's this constant stressor. Yeah. And you do want to reflect on how many constant stressors do I have going on right now that I could be minimizing how much weight that is that I'm carrying on it. Because what we also know is people's tendency to go, if it's not if I'm not actively thinking or worrying about it, it's not causing me stress. Right? When you say lots of people are like, no, no, that's not stressing me out. I never think about it. And we're like, you should probably be thinking about that.

Michelle Massunken 4:15

I think that's probably the challenge where again, back to the emotional capacity piece, it's like not every overwhelmed person looks overwhelmed, you know? And so sometimes it's like, oh, this is fine. I'm riding it out, I'm carrying on. And yeah, you might not necessarily notice that this is impacting you or that you're overwhelmed because you may not be projecting that to other people. There might not be the intent on yourself. But then again, when that prolonged load happens, it shows up in different ways, whether it's through your irritability or your poor sleep or your eating habits or other maladaptive habits, like your scrolling habits. Your scrolling, the doom scrolling late at night, like your attendance and punctuality, like it shows up in different ways. You know, I think sometimes we have this understanding of how it looks when we're overwhelmed or how it looks when we've reached our capacity, but it might not look that way for

Self-Care Without Spa Expectations

Michelle Massunken 5:03

everybody.

Tina Wilston 5:03

Yeah. And I think that uh that w very often when we're talking about this, then the next natural conversation goes around self-care, or how do we become less overwhelmed? And I think that most of the people I talk to feel very overwhelmed by what they have defined as self-care because they're like, I don't have the money to go get a massage or go to the spa, or I don't have a yoga, I don't have the money for a yoga pass, or I don't have time to go to yoga every day, or or that type of stuff. When the reality is there's lots of ways to empty stress out of that bucket that are you do while you're driving to work. You can do while you're sitting waiting in at the grocery store in line. You don't have to necessarily carve out specific times. Yeah, but you have to be thinking about that stress bucket and recognizing how do I take stress out of that bucket. If it's fine, let's say, let's say it's economic, do I need to go to my bank and have a discussion? Do I need to talk to a financial planner to reduce some of the economic stress I'm feeling? Or if I'm having health like issues, make that doctor's appointment, follow up with the treatment recommendations and that type of stuff. Because again, I think people don't always think about how do I take some of those stressors out of my bucket. Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 6:27

I'm trying to think of like how that applies to me. I feel like one of the things that I've realized takes things out of my bucket is just being able to say no. Yeah. Like just being able to because again, you could keep doing, and I often say like just because you could doesn't mean that you should. Yes. Right. But the idea of like sometimes it just means doing less and slowing things down. Absolutely. Versus like keeping up with the pace, that could become your default and you're just kind of doing everything and anything.

Speaker 2 6:51

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 6:51

But sometimes it just looks like being able to say no to certain things and taking that task or that appointment or that meeting or that event or whatever it is out of your bucket.

Tina Wilston 7:02

Absolutely.

Michelle Massunken 7:02

You know, but I find like slowing down is a is an important way, just as I'm reflecting on this. That's an important way that I've noticed has been helpful just in terms of like emptying up my bucket.

Tina Wilston 7:12

Yeah, absolutely. Because I I I think that people will think instead, oh, I'm gonna have fun at that event, or I should go. People are gonna be upset if I don't go.

Speaker 3 7:23

Right.

Tina Wilston 7:23

And I feel like I can in the moment. And and it's very common that in the moment we feel we have the emotional capacity.

Michelle Massunken 7:30

Yeah. Yeah.

Tina Wilston 7:30

Very often we don't realize our emotional capacity is going down until it's gone. Right. And then we go, oh. Yeah. Which and again, we'll blame it on the very last thing. So you could like go out, have events all week, and then you wake up one morning and I'm trying to think of something small. So like you're well, maybe it's not small, but your dishwasher breaks, and then you're like losing it. So you're like, I'm losing it because the dishwasher broke.

Michelle Massunken 7:53

But it's really no, it's not this moment. It's an accumulation of moments that brought you to this reaction.

Tina Wilston 7:58

Yeah, absolutely.

Spotting Low Capacity Before It’s Gone

Tina Wilston 8:00

And so I feel like when it comes to um improving emotional capacity, I think self-awareness, like learning how to build self-awareness. How do I know when my emotional capacity is going down?

Speaker 2 8:19

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 8:19

Right. Because I think if you're not aware. So this one, this is one of one of the things I've learned about myself. If I've had a really, really stressful day, when I'm driving home, I want to listen to a stressful podcast. So I'll think, I'll think about all the different types of podcasts that I listen to. And some are very like motivational and uplifting. And whenever I listen to them, I feel great. And then some of them are like current events, right? And I'll notice, like, if I've had a stressful day, my brain is like, you don't want that uplifting podcast. You want the you want the light, you want the and and I find it so interesting because when I don't stop and like sometimes I do it. Yeah. Like I notice it and I still do it. And I'm like, that's so interesting. But I'm feeling this like overwhelming pull and urge, this is what I want to listen to right now. Um, but the times that I go, no, that is what I want to listen to, but I should probably just listen to this one. Right. By the time I get home from work, it I come into the house in a very different emotional state. Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 9:22

Cause you're giving yourself what you actually need, which is like the calmness versus like meeting yourself where you're at, which is the overwhelm. And I think that's so, yeah, I definitely can relate to that on so many levels where it's like even feeling overwhelmed and anxious. It's like, hey, do I increase this or do I slow it down? Yeah. Whether it's like even in workouts, yeah, do I more so do like a nice stretch or like something at high intensity, depending on where I'm at? But I think that's exactly it. So, what is it that I'm needing in this moment versus how do I match the energy? Right. But I think that's a good indication of the overwhelm is the irritability or the high stress and how those things kind of really highlight and point to the emotional depletion or the decrease in capacity.

Speaker 2 10:04

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 10:05

But it's not always as clear cut for many of us in terms of how do I even know when I'm at my capacity. Yeah. I feel like we say that a lot, like I don't have the capacity for that. I don't have the capacity, but what is a telltale sign for that?

Tina Wilston 10:18

Well, and I think too uh another thought that I had is like, what are all the different things that will interfere with our capacity that will help us also gauge it? Like if our sleep, we've talked sleep before, sleep is foundational to emotional resilience. So if you are not sleeping well, that can explain low um like emotional tolerance. Um, and also hormones, hormones play a huge role in feelings of overwhelm that I think a lot of people don't realize that could be playing a role. Because interestingly, they might be able to say hormones affect my irritability, but not recognize it's actually it's it's just my general emotional capacity, which then leads to irritability. Right.

Michelle Massunken 11:06

Right? Yeah, there's a process there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So when you find that you do the opposite instead of matching the energy, yeah, versus the moments when you actually match it with like this heavy, intense, stressful podcast, current events, yeah. Do you find that it takes you a lot longer to come down once you get home? Or do you kind of stay in that how does how do you what does the coming down look like?

Tina Wilston 11:28

Well, that's a really good point. And I think my husband is the one who would be able to say, like he could probably tell. I bet he could if I told him, he'd be able to say with accuracy which one I listened to when I came home.

Michelle Massunken 11:50

Okay.

Tina Wilston 11:51

And it would be my ability to listen to him. Uh, okay. If I'm like, I now, because we do have a routine of just like watching shows, that's our thing that we do to wind down at the end of the night. Um, and if he's like trying to tell me about his day and I'm like, play. Is it can we press play now? He'll be like, Oh, you're right, you have no capacity left today. Yeah. So I was okay. Whereas if I'm like not trying to get the show started right away and I'm like asking him questions, tell me more about the leaps and their bad playing this year, right? He's like, he's like, okay, she's got she's got capacity today. So I would definitely say that ability to connect with the humans in my life will be hugely impacted whether I created capacity for myself in my drive home or I just kept actually putting more stress in that bucket. That's so perpetual. It just feels right though, right? Like you have to fight the urge. It just feels like the most natural thing to do is to keep that state going.

Speaker 3 12:58

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 12:59

That's so I love that. Because we don't recognize like it's it's our bucket, but we don't recognize sort of like the ripple effect that it has on everyone else around us when we don't have the capacity. We kind of just feel like it's our individual experience. Yeah. But it it shows up in how we interact with our partners and our kids and our loved ones and all those other aspects of things too, right? Like they can see when we have the capacity, when we're at capacity. Yeah.

Tina Wilston 13:25

And what's really unfortunate about human nature is they're the best ones to be able to inform us. And they're the people we can hear it from the least. Right. You know, which is unfortunate because I think that those conversations could be really bring you closer together. Hey, I'm noticing. Yeah. Right? You seem to want to go right to the show. Don't feel like you have a lot of capacity for chatting today. How was your day? And just like gently calling it out. Right. Were you able to unwind decide home? Do you need a minute? You listen to that podcast again? Okay, good to know. Just check it. Right. But if it's met a little bit with like, okay, now we see the pattern, the understanding. We talk about this a lot is being able to identify our own patterns. Um, because our default mode is not always our best in our best interest. But it still feels really easy and effortless.

Michelle Massunken 14:21

So it's familiar and it's default and it just becomes the go-to.

Speaker 2 14:25

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 14:25

And so it does take a level of like awareness and intentionality to shift that gear and to do the opposite of what just feels so natural sometimes.

Tina Wilston 14:35

I have a funny analogy that I think of often in these conversations. And it happened when I went and did um one of the golf tournaments that we did last year, but I was with Sarah, our amazing admin. And while she was golfing, she kept hitting the ball into the trees. And I said to her,

Default Habits And The Golf Lesson

Tina Wilston 14:55

and she's like, I don't understand why I keep hitting into the trees. And so I started watching her. And I was like, Oh, it's I can see it in her hips and the way her feet are. I can see exactly why the ball is going. So I say to her, I'm like, I think if you just tilt your hips this way and point your feet this way, try it again, I think it'll go down the middle. She tries it again, goes down the middle, and she goes, but it was so uncomfortable. And I was like, ooh, well, it could be uncomfortable or it could be comfortable and you can keep hitting it in the trees. Or it can be uncomfortable and you can hit it down the fairway. It seems like you have to make a choice. And that comes up like that theme sort of comes up a lot in life where it's like I understand and in therapy, right? I understand it's uncomfortable to do it differently. Like for me, it would be uncomfortable to listen to a calming podcast when I am feeling stressed. But it's I'm going to be better off for it by doing it that way. I could be comfortable and listen to an anxiety-ridden podcast. Right. But it's definitely not in my best interest. So I think that, you know, the message is look at the things that you do that just are because that they're comfortable, they're familiar. Yeah. And ask yourself though, what happens after that? Is that actually something that is gonna take stress out of my bucket, um, increase my emotional capacity, or is it actually gonna continue to drain me?

Michelle Massunken 16:16

Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah. And that's that's a difficult place to be, I think, for many folks, right? Just realizing what or how that shift has been impacting, especially if it's something that's been a default for such a long period of time.

Tina Wilston 16:30

Including like maybe from your childhood.

Michelle Massunken 16:32

Exactly. These are habits that are that run deep with deep roots that just kind of become the way that I do things, right? And we could think of so many examples of how those things show up, whether it's in our relationships or in our workplaces, of just things that we do because it's been that way.

Speaker 2 16:46

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 16:47

Um, but then recognizing like, but does it cause me to keep hitting into the trees?

Speaker 2 16:52

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 16:52

Right. Does it cause me to have the outcome that I'm not looking for or the undesired outcome?

Speaker 2 16:58

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 16:58

And so sometimes it does take us stepping outside of that comfort zone and doing things a little bit differently. Yeah. Even as an experiment, yeah. Let's let's try it and let's see if the results are different. Let's see if I feel different or those around me notice a difference in how I'm reacting and what my capacity looks like. But sometimes shifting out of that default is an important way to create more emotional capacity in us.

Tina Wilston 17:20

Yeah. Yeah. Why do you think everybody is so overwhelmed all the time these days? What are your sort of insights?

Michelle Massunken 17:28

Yeah. I think that um a big part of it is because there truly is a lot that's happening at this point. I think that we're spread thin. I think

Modern Life Expectations Fuel Burnout

Michelle Massunken 17:40

that especially as individuals, working individuals, whether it's as a father, as a mother, there's so many demands that are being pulled on individuals in so many different directions. And I think without being able to um have whether it's the supports or boundaries or things of that nature, we're giving a lot more of ourselves than we're actually putting into ourselves.

Speaker 2 18:01

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 18:02

And so a lot of times we're running on empty because we're pouring into so many different things around us without the moments of self-care. And like you said, self-care doesn't have to be going and getting a massage or manicure. It could just be slowing down or saying no.

Speaker 2 18:14

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 18:14

And so I don't think that the self-care is as much of a priority as it perhaps has been in generations before us. Um, and so that I think is impacting our capacity because we're doing a lot more with less resources than others has had have had to do is something that I've noticed and that I would probably say is contributing to our capacity. Um and then the ability to just kind of push through, which is kind of like the name of the game in a lot of times, right? It's like I I can, and so I'll just continue to carry this load, but then we reward it. Encouraged. Yeah. It's rewarded to respond to emails at like 11 o'clock at night or to overwork and all those type of things. But sometimes we don't realize the cost of things until until afterwards when we've paid the cost of it.

Speaker 2 19:00

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 19:00

And um we keep repeating it.

Speaker 2 19:03

Yeah. Right.

Michelle Massunken 19:03

So history kind of constantly repeats itself. And so I would say that there's a combination of things that are impacting. Yeah.

Tina Wilston 19:10

Yeah. When I when I think of it, I think of how expectations have changed over time. Because let's go with starting with the expectation that life now requires two working parents. Whereas before the expectation was that one person worked and one person took care of the home, took care of the kids. And over time that evolved to the expectation is there's gonna be two working parents. If we just take that difference and why, why are we gonna feel more overwhelmed when that dynamic shifts? There's very clear answers as to why we're gonna in modern day life feel way more overwhelmed than we used to. Because you have two people who have to work outside of the home 40 hours a week, and now everything it takes to care for children or a household or both, you both now need to fit in with the remaining hours of the week, also hoping that you're getting eight hours of sleep of night. Exactly. Every single night, right? So just that alone, I think, changes, changes our capacity. But then even those expectations of what I'm going to do as a parent, I think have changed a lot over time. If I think about how much I've played with my kids. Now, I'm not gonna lie and say that I was that mom that was playing Barbies with my kids. I could never bring myself to do that. So I had four kids, they could play with each other. Um, but like card games and like taking them to the trampoline park or Funhaven or something like that on the on the weekends and taking them to uh the beach and to the like just different having them different different outings, different experiences. Um, and if I think back to like the way that I grew up, I I was I was off do doing my own thing a lot of the times. I had to entertain myself, had to figure things out myself without the aid of like a cell phone and all the all those types of things. And again, parenting has evolved that this expectation on parents is to be constantly doing stuff with their kids, for their kids. All of this, even the the independence, the encouragement of independence of kids isn't what it used to be. I actually feel like a bad parent because of how much how early my kids started making their own lunches. I'm like, I feel like I'm neglectful because no one else, or make your own breakfast. I'll hear parents tell me how old their kids are that they're still doing all of that. And I'm like, no wonder you're overwhelmed. That's a lot of work for a very long time. That's a lot of responsibility. But there is this new like, do you do you get that? Do you feel that way?

Michelle Massunken 22:02

Yeah. I mean, my kids are a lot younger. Yeah.

Tina Wilston 22:06

So yeah.

Michelle Massunken 22:07

I'm definitely in the world.

Tina Wilston 22:08

But do you see it around you where people like me? Well, yeah, and in clients or even like friends with older kids that you're like, you're still doing that for you.

Michelle Massunken 22:16

For sure.

Tina Wilston 22:17

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 22:17

Even things like laundry and stuff, right?

Tina Wilston 22:19

I'm like, I I make my kids do that laundry.

Michelle Massunken 22:22

I'm sorry, guys. I think they could do that. I think they could first start on the machine. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I think, I mean, I think that's true. Like, we, I think our generation became independent a lot quicker than the current generation where there's a lot more hand holding. I get that the world has changed. I get that it perhaps doesn't feel as safe as it once did for many people until those factors take into are taken into consideration. But I definitely feel like there's a level of like, you have to kind of be more intentional now with parenting. Like, I need to actually prioritize independence and teaching them independence. Otherwise, again, the default, the societal default, could be just like doing everything for them, right? Like that's what wins a trophy type of thing. But no, I could definitely see that around for sure, where it's not the independence of just even like we would go to the store on our own or just like kind of like go around, but it's like, nope, that's not happening.

Tina Wilston 23:12

No.

Michelle Massunken 23:13

It's a lot different.

Tina Wilston 23:14

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 23:15

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 23:15

And then if I think about if we extend that now to also, you know the way that the the I guess how old people were when their parents became elderly, like again, previous generations had kids younger, which meant by the time their parents needed support, their kids were adults, maybe out of the house. But now you're seeing more parents who have kids that they're still parenting quite a bit. And then they have elderly parents that they have to support and they have to be there for, yet again, still working two full-time jobs, still needing to take care of a house. Yeah. And that's just like that that's just almost like the I don't want to say the default, but that's just like that's before you factor in all the individual things people could be.

Michelle Massunken 24:04

That's like before the activities and the gymnastic shop-offs and the all the extracurricular things. Like that's just like the bare minimum of things, right? And so when you look at just the bare minimum, the idea or the concept rather of like emotional capacity and being depleted, I mean, it kind of makes sense. Yeah. It got we're spread thin.

Tina Wilston 24:24

We're we're spread very, very thin. And then interestingly, from that the same thing in the workplace, what we're seeing is also this movement towards how do we get as much work as humanly possible done by as few humans as possible. Right. Living we're here in Ottawa, there is big federal government job cuts happening. So we're seeing two huge stressors. One, is my is my job secure? Right, which is terrifying if it is not. Yeah. Or I'm gonna be the one around after everybody leaves. And what expectations are there gonna be of me now to perform at a much higher level than I was before? And I was already, some people were already drowning before, yeah, before that happens. And again, they're looking at themselves like, what's wrong with me that I can't do two people's jobs? Yeah, right. It's like nothing's wrong with you. It's the expectation that you're supposed to be able to do two people's jobs that's kind of broken.

Michelle Massunken 25:28

Yeah. Yeah. And that's the idea of like the stress and the overwhelm has become so familiar and normalized to that the opposite, whether that's like peace or balance, yeah, kind of feels unfamiliar. Yeah. You know, it's almost like, wait, what? You you're not going to overextend yourself? Like, why? Why aren't you going to do that person's job, including your job, right? Like that just kind of feels like a foreign concept to folks, but because we've normalized the idea of being overwhelmed and being stressed out. And I think that's where we get into this place of burnout. Yeah. Very quickly, right? Like we do need a level of stress to be optimized in what we're doing, but that can very quickly turn into burnout if that's continued for a prolonged period of time.

Tina Wilston 26:11

Yeah. It's funny because you said the word like that balance. And I think of that bigger term of like work-life balance. And back to expectations. I feel like there's this like dichotomy between we are expected to work like crazy and that burnout's the normal or or like pushing really hard is normal.

Presence Over Work-Life Balance

Speaker 3 26:31

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 26:32

But we're also supposed to be like trying to get work-life balance. And again, this expectation, like you just need to figure out the right balance, then you'll be okay. Right. But very often when I'm hearing people describe that, I'm like, the it's not a it's not actually a balance issue in the sense that you are balancing it as best you can. This is what the balance looks like. This is the balance. This is it. Right. There's nothing actually to be striving more towards, but you think that that balance is supposed to feel a certain way, which is like peaceful and relaxed and that type of stuff. And it's like you have to give up your expectations of being the perfect uh whatever, perfect husband, perfect father, perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect partner, perfect um parent, employee. One of the things that I often recommend to people is presence in the moment and try to do your best with whatever you're doing in that moment is going to get you much farther than trying to actually look at it from a balance perspective because it is like it's just a losing game to try to create this perfect work-life balance. Instead, like when you're at work, be the best worker that you can be. Stop trying to be a good mom or dad or or friend or I don't know, whatever, daughter, yeah, you know, caretaker. Like you're at work, give your best that you can at work, leave everything else. And I mean, of course, like I'm saying within reason, the stuff that you have control over, because lots of people they they have control over it. I'm saying if your kids' school calls, definitely pick up the furnace, right? But it's like there's people that are preoccupied with trying to be everything to everyone in every moment. Yeah. And if we actually focus more on the moment and say, right now, I'm gonna be the best worker that I can be. And then on my lunch break, I'm gonna be the best friend to myself that I can be, which I'm gonna take my break and I'm gonna get out of uh get out into fresh air if I can. I'm gonna eat something, I'm gonna drink something, I'm gonna go to the bath, like I'm gonna listen to my body and what it needs. I'm not going to work through it. I'm not gonna take care of stuff at home while I'm here and that type of stuff. It's like I need some of that time for myself. But then when I'm at home, leave work at work.

Michelle Massunken 28:54

Yeah. It's the idea of really just doing one thing mindfully.

Tina Wilston 28:58

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 28:58

Versus like versus um mindlessly doing things, right? Like being here but not being here, or being with our kids, but really we're, you know, absorbed with thoughts about work-related items, or we're at work and we're thinking about the kids. Like, let's be present and be in the moment mindfully.

Speaker 2 29:18

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 29:18

Because then we're able to give more of ourselves, right? We're not in the I think we often talk about the capacity piece kind of in line with like focus and concentration. And it's hard to be able to have those aspects of things when you're actually not present. Like there is no retaining information when you're not mentally present in whatever it is that you're doing task-wise, if your mind is somewhere else. And so the capacity can show up not just with irritability, but even with like concentration and with focus, because truly your mind isn't here.

Tina Wilston 29:47

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 29:47

Despite you being here physically.

Tina Wilston 29:49

Which is such an opposite view of like balance versus like singular focus.

Speaker 3 29:54

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 29:54

Right. And that's why I don't like like every time I hear work-life balance, work-life balance, I'm like, everybody's chasing this dream at this imaginary version of balance that's apparently attainable if I just do the right things. And it's like, no. Because honestly, if you and I were to look at like everything a book would tell us about each thing to be perfect at, like to be a perfect wife, to be a perfect mom, to be a perfect uh business owner, to be a perfect therapist, all those things, there is not enough time in a day to accomplish being all that. Yeah.

unknown 30:29

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 30:29

And I don't have time to I don't know who said it, but it's like if you can show me someone who does have that balance and everything, then I'll show you a liar.

unknown 30:39

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 30:40

Right? Because it's like there's no way. Yeah, it's just isn't possible.

Tina Wilston 30:43

It's imaginary.

Michelle Massunken 30:44

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 30:45

But I think that some people figure out what works for them. And it is just that piece of the imbalance. I remember too, I had this like thought in my mind of an analogy. It's like everybody wants their life to be like a perfectly organized filing cabinet, right? Where every file is labeled and the right things are in there and everything fits in the filing cabinet. There's nothing sticking out, and you can close the filing cabinet. You can open it, you can find everything you need. That'd be lovely. Right? Right. But that's such an unrealistic way to go through life. And the and the attempt to try to accomplish that will actually make your life significantly harder than just acknowledging mine doesn't close. Or sometimes it closes and sometimes it doesn't.

Michelle Massunken 31:26

Yeah, it gets jammed at times.

Tina Wilston 31:27

And it is things get misfiled.

Michelle Massunken 31:29

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 31:29

Mislabeled.

Michelle Massunken 31:30

There's like an acceptance that has to happen with all of this.

Tina Wilston 31:33

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I think accepting, I love that, that acceptance versus expectation. Like, how do I, how do I accept the reality as it is and have my expectations in alignment with reality? Another one of my favorites is like expectation minus reality equals disappointment. Um, unless reality and expectations matter. Yeah. Expectations do need to, we have to start there. It's a very good starting point. Bring your expectations into alignment with reality. Yep. When we start there, there's so much room to improve things from that spot.

Speaker 3 32:09

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 32:09

But if we start with this is what I want it to look like, how do I get there? And that what I want it to look like is hugely made up.

Michelle Massunken 32:18

Yeah. It's not even reflective of the current reality.

Speaker 2 32:22

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 32:22

You know, at least take from the current reality and start there and creating what those expectations are. Because then you have a better chance of it actually aligning. But if it's so far removed from the reality, you're really setting yourself up for disappointment and for being overextended.

Tina Wilston 32:37

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 32:37

On so many ways. Yeah. Yeah.

Tina Wilston 32:39

So what are your thoughts on like for the listener, how do you know when you need to get help from a mental health professional when you're feeling like overwhelmed, overburdened, low emotional capacity?

Michelle Massunken 32:52

I think noticing certain things like irritability would be an important start and step, whether

When To Get Professional Support

Michelle Massunken 32:59

it's you noticing it in yourself or other people pointing it out for you. I think also just being able to be aware of what the load currently looks like and how that's showing up for you. And do you find that you're carrying a heavy load? Um, and so back to the awareness piece, right? Just being aware of what is in your bucket. Are there parts of it that I can take out from the bucket? Um, I would say the other piece is recognizing like, do I am I neglecting certain parts of myself that perhaps I once prioritized and are no longer a priority for me, which impacts my tolerance and my capacity as well. Right. And so I think those would be three important things is noticing your irritability, noticing what aspects of your um yourself you can actually start to pour into to create more space and more capacity. Um and again, I would say tolerance too, right? Do I find that I'm less tolerant, which kind of goes head and head with the irritability piece. But I think those are important things to highlight and to point us in the direction of maybe getting some professional supports in place to manage our capacity.

Tina Wilston 34:03

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 34:04

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 34:04

I'm thinking too, uh I think a good sign that you might need some support is you've tried everything you can think of to improve the situation. Right. So it's like I, you know, I've done my research, I've changed some behaviors, I'm, you know what I mean? Like I'm all doing that you can do. Yeah. I'm doing all the things I feel like I can do, yet it's not shifting. Right. Because for me, what might be happening there, it's because what we know is there's sort of different layers of things that might need to change for someone in order to experience an emotional change. Sometimes it's a behavior, but sometimes it's actually your belief system. Right. So what I notice is sometimes if people have core belief of I'm not enough.

Speaker 3 34:51

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 34:52

Yeah. Then that plays out in this, in this scenario of feeling overwhelmed because I'm constantly trying to prove I am enough. And as soon as I like take my foot off the gas, maybe I change my behavior in order to improve my emotional capacity, but I'm sitting there beating myself up, self-criticizing, feeling guilty, feeling shame, your emotional capacity is not going to go up. You're going to be confused. You're going to be like, but I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that. And all I stop listening to that podcast, like Tina said on her podcast. Why am I not feeling better? It's like, oh, but if you are, you know, really hard on yourself. And beliefs is something that I think is incredibly difficult to change by yourself.

Speaker 2 35:39

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 35:40

Yeah. They can be really hard to even identify because they're so deeply they're deeply. You believe that they're universal. Usually our core beliefs we believe are universal core beliefs, and we find other people that don't have the same. We're like, wait, is that an option? And you're like, yes, you being enough is an option.

Michelle Massunken 35:59

Actually. I am worthy. I'm lovable.

Tina Wilston 36:01

Yeah. So I think that's what I feel like I see a lot is that it's boiling down actually to core beliefs. And that takes a lot of work actually to change.

Michelle Massunken 36:16

Yeah. Yeah. I can see that, especially when it's reinforced, whether or rewarded. Yes. Right. It's like, yeah, see, I told you I'm good enough. I just got this reward. I just got acknowledged. And that just reinforces those core beliefs too, which makes it even that much harder for you to shift and to now, but what is it costing me? Yeah. Right. I think that's often the overlooked piece of all of this is the impact that it's having when we overextend our capacities continuously.

Tina Wilston 36:46

Yeah. Yeah. I think that well, I know we did a the whole topic on burnout before, but I think it's what's contributing to the high rates of current burnout in modern day site. And I I unfortunately I just don't I don't see it imp I don't see it on a path of improvement. I don't even know what it would take. There was a slight moment in time, do you remember quiet quitting? Which was like a whole topic. Uh just like yeah.

Michelle Massunken 37:12

Yeah, I remember that.

Tina Wilston 37:14

And that was kind of like a I am gonna do my job, but I'm gonna stop overextending myself at my job, which interestingly got a, I would say a horrible title of quiet quitting.

Michelle Massunken 37:25

That's what at least I understood it to mean was had to do with like I think the efforts are decreasing the initiatives or even like taking uh taking initiatives or ambitions or just bare minimum.

Tina Wilston 37:36

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 37:37

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 37:37

But also, I mean it's such a hard thing because on the one hand, that's good if the expectations in your role are too high. But if your expectations are actually like they're already low. If they're already low or they're like healthy and you're quiet quitting, that's probably not a good idea. But I feel like there was one movement towards like not overextending ourselves, not going towards burnout, not re-rewarding burnout. I don't think it's stuck.

Michelle Massunken 38:02

I don't feel like it's stuck. I don't think we're there. I think, especially with like the work from home pieces. Like I think that there's so much reward for just like doing so much and just going above and beyond. Yeah. It's not, I don't think we're there yet.

Speaker 2 38:14

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 38:14

And so it really comes down to you identifying it in yourself and you being your own advocate and realizing like I need to make sure that I'm managing what's in my bucket. Otherwise, no one's gonna do that for you. Yeah.

Tina Wilston 38:28

Yeah. So we're I we're hoping that everyone listening today can hear that it is normal to feel overwhelmed right now. It is a function of a lot of what's going on in the world and in society and in culture and expectations. And that if you are done all the things that you feel like you can do, but you're still feeling

Normalizing Overwhelm And Closing Thoughts

Tina Wilston 38:48

overwhelmed. And that can be professional help, like in therapy, but it can be professional help too, talking to your doctor. Because you do want to also understand the medical reasons why. I don't want to get into that, like step out of our lane into the health reasons why, but that's another big category as to why people might be feeling overwhelmed as well. And so it's it is a good enough overwhelm is a perfectly good enough reason to go to therapy because we can get a lot of really good work done that will be more longer lasting if it is like based in core beliefs of I need to keep performing in order to be loved and cared about and that kind of stuff. Exactly.

Michelle Massunken 39:27

Yeah.

Tina Wilston 39:28

Yeah.

Michelle Massunken 39:29

This is helpful. So hopefully we found this you found this helpful. Um and we look forward to seeing you in our next episode. Thank you for tuning in.